The parent doctor's plan
Dr Woolfson told Joan she was saying all the right things to Sandra but that teenagers are more likely to take advice from someone they perceive to be objective. Joan admitted to being a strict parent, and Dr Woolfson asked her to consider the idea that she should let her daughter make what she might consider to be mistakes. Perhaps she didn't have to lay down the law on everything.

He said a more constructive approach would be to explore options - in this instance college - together, so that Sandra learned to make important decisions for herself. He also suspected Joan wasn't actually listening to what her daughter was saying, and recommended she tried "active listening" - paying proper attention to Sandra and showing, by nodding or asking appropriate questions, that she was interested in what she was talking about.

So what happened?
"The first week was great," says Joan. "I told Sandra to get a prospectus for college and she was over the moon. She was absolutely delighted, and started telling everyone she was going. But then she began looking into it properly and got wobbly. For a month it was all very uncertain - but, having said that, there weren't any tantrums during that time. She wasn't upset about school, and there was no anger or crying.

"Then there was a parents' night at school and we told some of the teachers her plans, They were shocked, and a couple of them spoke to her about it. She listened to them, and I think that was the turning point. She's decided to stay at school. I think hearing it from professionals, not her parents, made a difference."

The parent doctor's conclusion
"The challenge with adolescence is to allow a certain amount of independence and freedom," says Dr Woolfson. "This is a case of a mother who is not ready to let her child grow up. I was very direct with Joan, and I'm not usually, but I really felt she had no insight into what her daughter felt or wanted. After three weeks, Joan moved from being oppositional to working together with her daughter, which was a fantastic and brave step forward.

"Joan said she always blurted out her opinion while Sandra was still talking, but that she learned to keep her mouth shut, which is one element of active listening. She's a caring parent, but could only see what she wanted for her daughter, and not what her daughter wants for herself."

What the parent thinks
"Richard Woolfson's plan has changed my general approach to parenting," says Joan. "It's not been a five-minute fix - it's long term and really is about changing your attitude. I never thought of myself as a controlling parent, but now I think I just have to sit back. I hate it when children make the mistakes you know they're going to make, but you have to accept that they will.

"I feel more relaxed now. I don't find it easy, but Richard has changed my outlook. I think active listening is crucial. Before, Sandra could sit for a whole half-hour car journey and not speak, but now she'll talk."

Dr Woolfson's key tip
"Don't always assume your child is at fault. The change here had to come from the mother - if she changed, the daughter would too.
Joan told me, 'I thought we were beyond redemption, but now I know that's not the case.' It's wonderful for a parent to feel like that, and Joan's self-esteem as a mother has increased as a result."