Reprinted from the Herald, 24 April 2006

The mini teenager
The problem
Lucy, who is six and a half years old, has two siblings, who are five and a half and four. She is an extremely bright child, well ahead of her peers at school in her home town of Dalmuir. She is assertive and confident - and, in her parents' words, "more like a teenager than a six-year-old".

As a result Lucy was demanding constant attention and stimulation and was cheeky when instructed to do something she didn't want ta do.

Her parents, especially her mother, were finding it increasingly difficult to cope with her behaviour. She was making family life stressful and unhappy, and her influence on her two younger siblings was also causing problems.

The parent doctor's plan
Firstly, DrWoolfson reassured Lucy's mother and father that they were doing far better than they thought. He told them they struck him as competent and loving parents who had real insight into their situation - both their parenting skills and their children's personalities.

Next he asked them to assess their expectations of family life. Was everything in the family schedule necessary? Were they being unrealistic given the ages of each child? He also made the observation that Lucy might have been driving things in the family, rather than her parents.

He then suggested a number of changes they could make, beginning by modifying what he saw as their "one size fits all" approach. Siblings are not all the same, and what works for one - be it punishment or reward - might not work for them all.

He also told them to stop negotiating with Lucy when she was disobedient, and to avoid "Mexican stand-offs" in which both sides waited for the other to move first.

He cautioned them not to try to enter into "rational" discussion with her - basically, not to give her reasons for behaving a certain way. Instead he advised them to be more emotional with her: for instance by telling her to put on a warm coat because they love her and want the best for her, rather than trying to make her see why it might be important for her own sake.

Dr Woolfson also said it was important that Lucy felt part of the family - but pointed out that, for her to be a part of it, she had to do what her parents said. If they spent a little more time with Lucy, they would make her feel valued: reading, making jigsaws, baking or just generally hanging out.

Finally, and perhaps most simply, he told them to change the children's bedtimes and allow Lucy to go to bed a little later than the younger two.

So what happened?
Initially, Lucy responded positively to the changes made by her parents. She happily spent time alone with them, and began to be more helpful with the younger children - including her sister, who was unwell with a form of gluten insensitivity.

Three weeks in, however, Lucy's sister recovered, sparking a change in Lucy's behaviour. She seemed to go backwards, her mother recalls, becoming cheeky and uncooperative with her parents, bossy with her siblings, and basically resentful of the positive attention her now-well sister was receiving.

Despite this, Lucy's parents stuck to Richard's advice and continued to do what he had suggested.

The parent doctor's conclusion
"This was the hardest problem to tackle because it was a pressurised situation and one that depended on so many factors," says Dr Woolfson.

"The parents needed to recognise that, in trying to keep the family routine as smooth as possible, they had lost sight of what they wanted for each child. Also, Lucy wanted to be recognised as the eldest, an individual in her own right.

"The parents needed to change the family's routine just a little - basically bedtimes - so as to treat Lucy differently.In doing so they could then ask for something back from Lucy - not a quid pro quo, but tokens of obedience or cooperation since she was being treated like the eldest child"

"Lucy's mum took risks to change the situation. Things could have got worse - but, despite the problems at the three week mark, her parents stuck to their plan and are are seeing results."

What the parents think
Family life is much better now. Lucy is less cheeky, more obedient and more cooperative. She accepts family rules and is less inclined to challenge her parents' instructions and authority. As a result her parents feel more confident.

Dr Woolfson's key tip
"No matter how clever they are, try not to be seduced into discussing an instruction with your child during their pre-teenage years, for example 'Put your wellies and raincoat on'. Understandably, you are thrilled they are intellectually capable of coherently reasoning with you - but remember they are only children. They are not adults and they need to know the rules. Do not define children by their intelligence."